1. |
BoogeyMan
03:09
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I'm almost sort of pretty in a boyish kind of way.
I'm sort of kind of funny when I'm stoned.
I almost thought you liked me 'cause you listened like you did,
But mostly I was sort of kind of wrong.
I'm on the fine line between pulling through and letting go, but all I got in my hand is a beer and my cell phone. It doesn't work so good when I'm sad, and I won't call you back until I'm drunk.
I just need some time to think and to practice all the things I'll say, but I know either way I'll fuck it up. Feelings don't belong in words 'cause what I said and what you heard aren't even close to the same thing.
It's almost sort of perfect when we're sitting on the couch.
It sort of kind of kills me when I'm alone.
I almost thought you liked me 'cause you smiled like you did,
But mostly I was sort of kind of wrong.
It's not all bad, I swear. Sometimes I breathe and I don't get air, but sometimes I watch cartoons. They say a lot with so few lines, and I wish life was like that all the time. But everything is so complicated.
I just want to talk to you, but nothing I say is getting through. THE BOOGEY MAN IS REAL AND YOU'RE ASLEEP. I'm trying to wake you up, but the more I scream and the more I fuss the more you slip away into that dream.
It's almost sort of lovey when you think that it's the end.
It's sort of kind of scary when it's not.
I almost thought you liked me 'cause you kissed me like you did,
But mostly I was sort of kind of wrong.
I'm almost sort of pretty in a boyish kind of way.
I'm sort of kind of funny when I'm stoned.
I almost thought you liked me 'cause you listened like you did,
But mostly I was sort of kind of wrong.
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2. |
On Socialization
02:36
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3. |
Dead Friends
02:44
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Please don't say a word. I've heard it all before at least a thousand times. I've heard it all before. It's all in my head. I just need some sleep, but I can't fall asleep. I don't sleep. All these pills that I take just to keep me sane, make me feel like a corpse, and I'm rotting. If I take a few more will this all go away? Now I'm face down on the floor, and she's screaming.
Please don't go. Please stay at least a little while. I swear I'll try. This time we'll make it better.
But nothing ever changes. They say I'm a danger to myself, and I guess they're right. 'Cause I don't know how to cope, and the longer that I hold cigarettes onto my wrist the longer I exist. Between these bare walls and hospital gowns with florescent lights in hallways that we pace up and down to kill some time so we don't kill ourselves, But we're all screaming.
Please let me go. I don't want to be here. I swear I'll try. This time I will get better.
But the first chance I get, I'm fucking out of here. I don't know what's next, but I'll die to find out. At least I'll try, but these fucking machines. They're designed to make me breathe, and my life's a prison. There's tubes in my throat, but I'm still screaming.
Please don't go. Please stay at least a little while. I swear I'll try. This time we'll make it better.
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4. |
Cheaper Than Therapy
03:17
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What are you fighting so much? You shudder with every touch unless it's harsh or cold. I don't know what you've been through, but I don't want to hurt you. I wish you wouldn't ask me to. Maybe you're conditioned to think that all you deserve is pain, and you've convinced yourself it's not that bad. But lying bare and open, your insecurity's showing. It's hard to pretend that it's ok.
Baby, I'm no different. I've lived the way you're living. Confusing love with something worse.
It's easy to fake a smile with liquor and alibis and stories that are only halfway true. Everyone you meet only knows what you let them see. You'll get out before the bad parts show. Except behind closed doors. You're defenses on the floor with your clothes and all of your intentions. You can't hide in the dead of night half as good as you can in daylight when there's no one there to pay attention.
Baby, I'm no different. I've lived the way you're living. Confusing love with something worse.
It'll eat you whole if you don't let go. So for now let's just go to sleep.
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5. |
Jackets in July
03:24
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Maybe I'm still an addict. Relaxation flips to panic mode if I can't find anything to drink in the fridge. But I've quit snorting pills, and it's been a while since I had to steal anything from anyone. Even Walmart.
I don't huff duster out of cans. I don't pass out anywhere I land, and I don't break shit on my way down. These days I go to bed. I still get the spins and my head still hurts, but at least there's nothing to blame it on but the booze.
It gets better. At least that's what they say. I'll take their word for it 'cause I still feel the same as I did back then. But everything else is changing.
Maybe I'm still a nutcase, certifiably insane, but all I want to do is wear short sleeves without the dirty glances. Everyone deserves another chance, even if they carved themselves like a turkey.
But I don't where jackets in July. I learned it's a stupid thing to lie about 'cause everybody already knows. So now I hide it in plain sight with fake confidence and awkward smiles every time I meet someone new.
It gets better. At least that's what they say. I'll take their word for it 'cause I still feel the same as I did back then. But everything else is changing.
Progress is progress, but I'm still taking baby steps. I won't be running marathons anytime soon. Maybe reality will never feel quite real to me, but I'm learning how to navigate my way through.
I don't wear jackets in July, and it's been a long time since I got high off anything stronger than weed. Sometimes I feel ok, and I made some new friends along the way who take me as I am and want nothing more. They might not understand, but I can call them up and we'll make plans. God Damn. It's kind of nice not to be so alone. There's no point to turn in yet. After all I've been through, I'm not dead yet. So I guess I gotta play this whole thing out.
It gets better. I know that's what they say. But take my word for it. Although you feel the same, everything else will change.
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6. |
You and the Ocean
02:13
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This city was trapped beneath the ocean. Giant dead whales were floating in the sky. I wanted to escape, but I was pretty sure I'd drown. That's gotta be the most awful way to die.
You sank down to the depths just like an angel, and shined your light on all that was dark and wet. But you were much to beautiful for a place so much like hell, and you landed in a hospital bed.
I wanted very much just to come and see you, but I was petrified of the sharks. By the time I got there it was way too late. That empty bed it broke my heart.
A stranger sat alone in your room. It was the dad that you never met. We sat and cried together 'cause we both wished we knew you better. We built a submarine and fucking left.
Now all the light is artificial. Our ships engraved with your initials. I wanna burn that place, but all my matches are wet.
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7. |
Drugs and Diagnosis
02:35
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Don't wanna open my eyes. The shadows take the shape of some one that I knew before. But I don't want to know him. Push me. Pull me. Rip me to shreds. I'm still breathing. Some wounds don't heal over time. You just get used to them.
Don't want to think about it. I'll forget what I'm doing. Wiping blood up off of the floor with a dirty towel. Disinfectant, alcohol, and bleach. I'm still breathing. Some wounds don't heal over time. You just get used to them.
I'm scared of what's in my head, and the places my mind goes when I'm alone. I know I'm hanging by a thread above a notion that could swallow me whole.
Don't want to fall so far down that I lose myself. Crushed beneath a pile of drugs and diagnosis. Strung out, vacant, and sick. I'm still breathing. Some wounds don't heal over time. You just get used to them.
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8. |
IKYKILY
04:01
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No one ever calls to see if I'm ok, and even if I'm not nobody would come over anyways. Left to my own devices, I'm slipping and I'm sliding right back into the same old shit that put me here. Sometimes I hurt myself, and I drink until there's nothing left, and I take those pills they assured me would help. Then I feel a whole lot worse 'cause I can't forgive you for going first. I miss you more than words can say.
But I know you know I love you.
Once upon a time I had a friend who was always there when I needed him. He'd drive for miles just to stop in and say "hi." He had plans and he had goals. He was also really baller at old school Nintendo, and one day he was gonna move to Japan. There was a time when we took a strip, and we drove to the playground and we vandalized it. I'd never seen a bigger smile on his face. He was the only one who stuck around through the addiction, the abuse, and the aftermath, and swore to me that I was better than that.
He said "I know you know I love you."
The day came, and he messaged me. He said, "Hey, what's up? Are you free? It's been a while. We should really meet up." I didn't know what a mistake I made when I said, "I can't, man. Not today." 'Cause that's the last thing I ever said to him. He took some shit. I don't know what 'cause I never ever got the guts to go visit him. That would make it real. Hell, I've never even been to his grave 'cause I'm still pissed off about the way he left me here all alone.
But I know you know I love you.
Sometimes I have a dream where we're sitting on my couch when we were 18 in my awful apartment that smelled like mold. His casts are gone and his wounds are healed so we don't have anywhere to get more pills so we swear them off, and we just move away. We both are happy and we both are free from the pain, and the addiction, and the awful things that happened to us since we were those kids. But I wake up, and I start to cry 'cause there's no one to talk to since my best friend died. So I just lie there.
I know you know I love you.
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9. |
Telephone
01:27
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You were my exception to every rule and every lesson I learned in school and church and from the older folks who swore they knew the truth. What goes up doesn't always come back down 'cause I'm high as hell and I'm by myself in a bar full of people I call my friends. They don't care that I'd rather be anywhere but here.
Later on when I'm driving home, and I'm drunk as shit trying to find my phone behind the seats. Even though it never rings, I swear I need it. I have no business wasting anybody's time when all I do is be too quiet or whine about all the things that I do to myself when I'm sad. I'm sad all the time.
But you are my exception, and when I talk to you I feel less than awful, the way I normally feel. If this isn't love, it's something else that's true. I'm calling you this time just to hear you say hello.
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10. |
I Got an F
02:54
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My friends are going home together to drink more beer and take off their clothes, but I want to sit here for a while. I don't get off when I take my pills, and when I don't I feel too much. And I don't want to fall in love.
I got an F in Chemistry. But I know some reactions, they could kill me. And I'm really scared to die.
She's really pretty. She's pretty neat. I've caught her staring in my direction with my eyes glued to the floor. Stutter out a joke I thought was funny when someone else delivered the punchline, but I noticed that she's laughing.
I got an F in Chemistry. But I know some reactions, they could kill me. And I'm really scared to die.
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Tessa Lynn Plank Chattanooga, Tennessee
Still out here making bedroom music with my reaper trial and scarlett 2i2.
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